At age eighteen you were afraid
you’d inherit your father’s complacency
his brother’s alcoholic gene
his father’s paralyzing depression.
You were into computer games
Final Fantasy, Prince of Persia,
Mariocart. You were into Anime,
eating whole blocks of cheddar
bands like Tool and The Tea Party,
you read Dune that year for the
second time, you started university
you read the newspapers, broadsheet
politics and finance pages front to back.
You left home, we lived in a share-house
damp degenerate rattle-cage art-deco
near town, they planned to demolish
in three to six months – in those three
to six months you never paid your rent
on time, I got a bad credit rating,
I never told you that. You became
vegetarian, you still ate at your parents’
you kept your clothes in the boot
of your 70s Ford V8, you stepped out
half naked in the frost of morning
got dressed in the front yard
you slept on a yoga matt with a blanket
and a tatter-cornered poster of ZZ Top.
Before age eighteen you abhorred
drinking, smoking weed,
neither of us liked the idea of drugs like
ecstasy and speed, but put us in a pub
Guinness on tap, or another stout
like Tooheys Old, and we’d both fold
gladly. Except you liked rum and coke
appetizer for the meal of drunken conversation
to come. Someone once told me
they saw you out in town
chucking milk crates at a bar window
from outside. I told them that sounded
about right. That year and for a few years
You knew just what you wanted:
marriage and children, love and comfort.
So, you went from one blonde to the next
always ending catastrophically –
you couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t eat
you blamed yourself, you couldn’t decide
if you loved them or despised them,
we’d drive out to the country
we’d blow off steam, driving in your
70s Ford V8 and moo at the cows
in the paddocks, see which cows looked up
you called the game Moo Baa.
We’d make plans to move out to the country
which would never eventuate,
you didn’t know it then, you’d just started
university, but you would take seven years
to finish a three year degree, and at the end
you’d end things with another blonde
and devastatedly tend a bar two nights a week
for a thieving boss, get fired for barely
keeping it together for those twenty-odd hours
get yourself down to the dole office
sign up, and stay on indefinitely.
You’ll turn up to the races
with a fiver or just some change you hope
to spend on gas later, and let your friends
pay your way unashamedly having
quite a nice time even though
you turned up four hours late – which
isn’t great but, it’s better than staying in bed
all night too, after sleeping away the afternoon.
You’ll call me daily, sometimes twice
for advice or just an ear, as I’d go about my day
I’d hear about every spiteful thing
your former dear did to you, and you don’t
start conversations with niceties anymore
no hellos or how are yous, you’re straight
to the point of what she did next
how she vexes you and how you hate her,
you prefer not to get off topic for an hour or two,
I’d feel bad for you, tell you you should be glad
it’s over, and by the way, why have you already
shacked up with a new/old lover
before you’re finished with the last one?
I know your past with anxiety and a bad case
of the sads, in fact, I relate and I know it gets bad,
you’ll tell me you’ll go on the medication this time,
at age eighteen you were afraid to
you were worried you wouldn’t be yourself –
you’re not worried about that anymore
you’re not a big fan of yourself anymore.
It’s ten years now,
since you were eighteen and you
don’t want marriage or children anymore,
and you’re not into: making money,
working or looking for a job you like,
looking your best, people who wear scarves
or cologne, people with an ego, people with success
being alone, sharing your food
people who are good at what they do,
artists and musician wankers,
turning up on time or turning up at all,
paying back debts, paying for rent, and
talking about where it started to go wrong.
You are into: computer games, anime and football,
not caring, being a nice person and getting drunk,
even if your friends won’t come with you anymore.